|I'm up to my elbows in alligators.|
1. Thwarted a kidnapping: A woman was screaming horribly and clutching a chain-link fence while a man grabbed her around the waist. Like any bystander, I immediately assumed she was drunk, and he was the helpful friend. It is a well-known fact that all loud people are also drunk.
Her screams quickly became screams of terror, and I felt uncomfortable - something must be wrong! Other people were stopping and being uncomfortable. I knew that I was suffering from the bystander effect and swiftly moved to intercede. Until another man drove up and held open his car door for the girl. A true superhero knows their limits, so I found a conveniently parked ambulance.
The EMS workers inside threw aside their pizza lunches and leapt into action. The woman was saved!
2. Saved a seizure victim: On my way to the chiropractor (necessary after a horrifying laser tag accident in Queens), it started raining. And then, it started pouring. I found a lady sleeping on the sidewalk (she wasn't snoring). After checking if she was breathing, because that's what I do, I went to move on.
But, I felt uncomfortable. My finely developed spidey-sense was telling me something. Something wasn't right here. What was it? ... Oh, yes, she's sleeping on the sidewalk in the rain. Homeless people don't tend to do that.
Turns out she had a seizure outside of her front door. I called 911 and waited for the ambulance to arrive. Lightning flashed, and it started hailing. My faith in humanity was restored when a lady said she couldn't help stay to help because she had an appointment. Others hurried by.
Then, I went to the chiro. He used paper towels when touching me because I was so wet.
3. Stopped a bootlegger: A woman was trying to sell bootleg DVDs within the grounds of my place of employment. I tried to chase her away. Then, I called security on her. Normally, I would've been like, eh, fuck it. But, my job wouldn't be too happy if I allowed someone to do something illegal in the park. Crisis averted!
4. Called 911 for a dazed and confused man: A man was staggering around the Upper East Side asking people to call 911 for him. Like good New Yorkers, everyone ignored the frantic man clearly calling for help. I called 911. Because, seriously, he could've been dying.
No idea what happened because, like a good New Yorker, I left immediately after the authorities arrived. I didn't want any additional responsibility.
5. Attempted to save pigeons: Next to my building is a church. A House of Worship, if you will. This church worships the slaughter of pigeons.
In order to protect its statuary, the church had placed netting along the side of the building that nearly abuts my own apartment building. Unfortunately, this inexpertly placed netting captured pigeons within its ropey claws and strangled them to death. In fact, at least one pigeon was hanging from the netting, dead.
Momma pigeon had some baby pigeons, and it looked like she couldn't escape. A couple of days later, she was clearly unable to move to feed her young.
Animal control to the rescue! Nope. They don't care about pigeons. ASPCA to the rescue! Nope, they didn't care about pigeons either.
PETA? Yes. PETA cares about everything, and they attempted to contact negotiate the release of the pigeons with the preacher-man. When the preacher-man was hostile, they pressured the ASPCA to take action.
The result? Pigeons are still dying. I'll have to follow up on this one. Sounds like I failed.
Stay tuned for other tales of dashing and bravery including calling 911 on a man sleeping in a bed of pigeon poo, assisted in saving a feline, house-cat creature and halting the illegal sale of water!