Saturday, August 27, 2011

10 Fun Ways to Weather Aunt Irene

Now that the world is ending, what with Hurricane Irene and the recent east coast earthquake, it's more important than ever to be prepared!

If you're in NYC, MTA is probably finished shutting down all mass transit (and maybe the bridges by now). Buy a yacht.

Plenty of us hate when the in-laws (awkward friends, black sheep family members, etc.) come over. Until Aunt Irene backs her bags of tornadoes, water spouts, and hurricane-y tricks up and leaves, here are some ways to effectively survive (not in any order). Remember, since it's on this blog, only gay men can use these hurricane tips. Their sexuality creates a special, electrosexual field around their living area.


1. Stock up on water!

Hot tip from my mom - Put a lot of your stored water in the freezer. That way if you lose power, you can transfer your water bottles to the refrigerator to help keep things cold.

Once my plants dry out, I will be showering one last time and filling the bathtub with water - perfect for flushing the toilet if you lose water.

If you live in Gowanus, don't go outside with your mouth open. Your neighborhood will be covered in shit - literally.

2. Bring your loved ones indoors!

Including pets, grills, impaling construction equipment, and bicycles. Let tonight be one of those nights that your significant other can stay inside instead of in the dog house.

3. Brew lots of coffee!

If the power goes out, you're going to need it to get up...and spend your day reading books by candlelight. I brewed lots just in case.

4. Condoms!

Lots of babies are conceived during snow storms. I assume that the same is true during a hurricane.

5. Communicate-ify!

Make sure your phone, iPad (3G is good for this, wireless won't help unless power is on and the cell networks are down), and radio are charged up and ready to go. Keep extra batteries handy. You may need to call for help or check the status of the storm. The recent earthquake in NYC brought attention to the shitty aspects of our cellular network. I'll be emailing or texting family and friends if the phone lines get too crazy.

6. Prepare entertainment!

This is very important. The human mind is fragile. Everyone religious fundamentalist knows that gay men are even more fragile because of our suppressed hatred of our abnormality. We just don't know how to survive if we can't have filthy sex (see 4. Condoms), ride the subway to a homosexual den of sin (also called a gay bar), or get ridiculously drunk. I have books and crocheting. The rest is superfluous - my music, blogging, video games, and movies all depend on power sources that aren't wind-up.

Whiskey is also a great entertainment source that doesn't require you to plug anything in. Great for lesbians and gays on the verge of losing their gay cards.

7. Let there be light!

Flashlights and candles! Hand-crank flashlights are the best. Do NOT use candles if there is ANY possibility that a gas line may have ruptured near you.


If you're in an evacuation zone, don't be a hero. No one will be there to sing your praises of survival if you die.

I'm right outside of Zone C. Zone A and Rockaway (in Zone B) are to be evacuated. Know the location of your nearest evac shelter just in case.

Of course, if you're a prisoner on Riker's Island, the NYC government would rather you drown. There is no evacuation plan for you. Sorry - prison is for punishment and not for rehabilitation. That's why, once you leave, we put you right back in.


9. Don't bother taping your windows!

Totally useless unless it's for fun (check out FEMA and NOAA). 3/4 inch plywood is way better (when screwed directly into the building an not just the siding). Since my landlord would probably kill me, and it's probably overkill, I'll chill in a windowless room if the outside starts to attack.

To play my own devil's advocate, though, some sources concede that it might keep the glass together if it breaks from a glancing projectile.

Here, you can see that created an underwater theme. It'll go perfectly with the flooding...if it reaches to the third story of my building. Blub, blub, blub.

10. Don't crack your windows!

This was something told to people in tornado zones in the false belief that it would keep their roofs from blowing off by equalizing the inside air pressure with that of the outside. Turns out that keeping your windows open actually increases your chances of your roof flying away.

Auntie Em, Auntie Em!!

Oh, and don't forget to stock up on food. Whiskey, coffee, and water only gets you so far.

1 comment:

  1. love #4 and also your reference to the wizard of OZ.