Monday, February 25, 2013

Pope. Gay Scandal. Church. Oh noes!

Creeper Pope (Rvin88)
Italy's La Repubblica reports that Pope Benedict "Sith Lord Palpatine" XVI is quitting his position as head of the Catholic Church because of a gay sex scandal. One of the largest daily papers in Italy, La Repubblica has a center-left bent and is decidedly anti-Church. However, either the juiciness of the story or the trustworthiness of the paper is causing the story to spread across the globe.

The stories are unsourced reports saying that the scandal is contained in a secret 300-page dossier that has been nicknamed "Vatileaks." The dossier is a report by three cardinals Benedict tapped to investigate the leak of other secret papers from the Pope's desk last year. It allegedly contains information about widespread corruption within the Church. Included in this soup of corruption is a secret network of priests that engage in large-scale, same-sex orgies that they regularly hold in different locations. Apparently, the gay nymphomaniacs are being blackmailed by people outside the Church.

Wait. Isn't that every porn that ever happened?


"Vatican spokesman Father Frederico Lombardi commented on the story, 'Let each one assume his or her own responsibilities. We shall not be following up on the observations that are made about this.' "

Sure. Let them police themselves. That's worked out really well over the years.

Saturday, February 23, 2013

I'm moving to London because straights there are awesome.

23% of men in London have had or would have a same-sex "experience," according to Time Out London.

Queerty says, "So once the UK passes same-sex marriage, the Brit gays can expect their sex life to flat-line just like all other couples. And that’s called equality."

Looks like I'm moving to London. Equality, indeed.

No, seriously. I am thinking of moving there to study writing. Any suggestions?

Sunday, January 27, 2013

Does Kombucha Get Better? Or, My First Vlog

I've had this video sitting in my computer for over a year now. Frankly, I was too embarrassed to share it, but I figured "f*ck it." The worst that can happen is that I'm assassinated for ruining the It Gets Better movement. No, I'm totally not melodramatic at all.


One day I do intend to make an actual It Gets Better video. For the time being, I think something funny is warranted.

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

How to Ice a Cake...Nude

This video brought to your attention by Jezebel and posted on my blog...because of reasons. Good, hilarious reasons.

Sunday, January 13, 2013

15-Year-Old Loves His Moms

My eyes are wet...and this has to be seen to be believed. Please watch:

It's beautiful. It's poignant. He's well-adjusted and loves his moms.

Noah St. John performed this monologue for PRX and NPR's Snap Judgment podcast and won "NPR's Snap Judgment Performance of the Year." Noah is 15 years old and a Youth Speaks Grand Slam Champion. Noah's teacher and mentor, Jamie DeWolf, won that same award last year.

Original score composed by Alex Mandel and performed by Alex Mandel and the Snap Judgment Playaz (David Brandt and Tim Frick). Film direction and editing by Will Urbina.

Check out Snap Judgment's podcast at

Sunday, December 30, 2012

So This is Christmas...

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About how I feel every year. It's over. Time to go back to badwill for all humans.

If the holidays are supposed to be so wonderful, why do we stress over finding the perfect gifts for each other?

Why are holiday parties so important that we NEED to make them perfect?

Why do the claymation Christmas shows feature hatred and douche-baggery (Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer) and anti-German sentiment (Santa Claus is Comin' to Town)? Clearly, we have no idea what "the season is all about."

Luckily for you, I'll tell you what it's all about...when you're older. For now, here's some queer news from around the world...

Queer News Round-Up

Clerics in gay situations (Advocate)
Gay men and bisexuals can now donate blood in Mexico (Advocate)

"Merry Christmas and Happy FuckGayMarriageIHateThatShit Year," says Pope (Daily Beast)

Cowboy Church of Virginia "cures" gay teens by having them stroke horses (Gay Star News)

Win for gay parents with Israeli TV show "Mom and Dads" - two gay men raise a child with a single woman (NY Times)

Barbaros ┼×ansal (Pink News)
Office of Ugandan queer group robbed, vandalized; Member database among items taken (Towleroad)

Images of Muslim clerics in gay situations cause outrage in Pakistan (Salon)

Turkish gay fashion designer attacked because of his pro-gay statements in newspaper (Pink News) mom just told me that my hobbit name is Gonad Bigass. Happy Holidays from AFruit4Thought.

Thursday, December 27, 2012

The Chosen Family

Originally Published in Out In Jersey, December/January 2012

Editor's In Box
This season, we traditionally reminisce about our past, draw close to those we love, and act kindly in a holiday spirit. For many of New Jersey's LGBT people, however, the ones we love are not always defined as part of our "traditional" family. I'm not just talking about our parents, of course. For many of us, our family is one that we choose throughout our lifetimes, not necessarily the one into which we are born.
The LGBT experience is unique among the disempowered minorities for many reasons, most specifically that one's LGBT-ness is not necessarily shared by anyone else in their family. Some of us were kicked out of our homes at an early age. Others have become estranged in more subtle ways. Perhaps more than any other group, LGBTs gravitate toward their chosen family during the holidays. Our families, built from our friends and significant others, comprise relationships bound by similarities, common interests, shared struggles, and most important, love—not by mere blood ties.
So, while some of us will go to our parents' house or visit our relatives in good ol' Wisconsin, others will gather in friends' homes and apartments, church basements, and social clubs to share food, wine, and stories with our chosen families, families just as real (and maybe even more so) than those based on shared genetic material. These are the gatherings to which we eagerly look forward, instead of dread—the way popular culture often satirizes going "home for the holidays" to the blood relatives.

Saturday, September 29, 2012

So...Let's Get Real

Originally Published in Out In Jersey July/August 2012

In a Michigan high school, a bully clipped some kid’s hair because the bully thought the guy looked "too gay." The boy was being held down, and he was crying. That bully was Mitt Romney.

Amendment One by Mike Pettyjohn for August 2012As you are most undoubtedly aware, it’s an election year. So, let’s get real here, girl-to-girl. LGBTs who vote Republican in the coming presidential election are either selfish, delusional or both. A vote for Mitt Romney is a clear vote against LGBT rights. Let’s break it down.

The delusional voters are the easiest to understand. They think that a Republican leadership that has repeatedly denounced LGBTs will be so busy fixing up the place that they’ll forget all about those empty promises to burn us at the stake.

The selfish voters are harder to understand. They believe Romney will make them money - that’s all that matters. They pretend that homeless and poor LGBTs can fend for themselves. Love Thy Neighbor is a rule to be used between gated community members (unless their landscaping service dumps grass clippings on your lawn). With enough money, what does it matter if the government treats you as a second-class citizen? You can just go on vacation and wait for a regime change.

Continued in Out In Jersey...

Thursday, August 16, 2012

My Child, How I Hath Neglectedeth Ye

Thanks to Alex for this.
A wise person once said, "Life is what happens when you're up to your neck in shit." Something like that.

I have been drowning in alligators to the increased sad facedness of my blog. And maybe you. But, probably just me.

This inactivity does come with an up-side. I've been made Editor of Out In Jersey magazine - the same as being Editor-in-Chief without the title. is restructuring, and I was lost in the shuffle. My pieces will be taken off of their website, so I will be moving them here. You may see them pop up in the next couple of days.

Enjoy this picture for no real reason.

Thursday, August 2, 2012

5 Reasons Why I'm a Superhero

I'm up to my elbows in alligators.
Lately, it has come to my attention that I am, in fact, a superhero. Here are some stunning examples of how awesome (and not conceited) I am.

1. Thwarted a kidnapping: A woman was screaming horribly and clutching a chain-link fence while a man grabbed her around the waist. Like any bystander, I immediately assumed she was drunk, and he was the helpful friend. It is a well-known fact that all loud people are also drunk.

Her screams quickly became screams of terror, and I felt uncomfortable - something must be wrong! Other people were stopping and being uncomfortable. I knew that I was suffering from the bystander effect and swiftly moved to intercede. Until another man drove up and held open his car door for the girl. A true superhero knows their limits, so I found a conveniently parked ambulance.

The EMS workers inside threw aside their pizza lunches and leapt into action. The woman was saved!

2. Saved a seizure victim: On my way to the chiropractor (necessary after a horrifying laser tag accident in Queens), it started raining. And then, it started pouring. I found a lady sleeping on the sidewalk (she wasn't snoring). After checking if she was breathing, because that's what I do, I went to move on.

But, I felt uncomfortable. My finely developed spidey-sense was telling me something. Something wasn't right here. What was it? ... Oh, yes, she's sleeping on the sidewalk in the rain. Homeless people don't tend to do that.

Turns out she had a seizure outside of her front door. I called 911 and waited for the ambulance to arrive. Lightning flashed, and it started hailing. My faith in humanity was restored when a lady said she couldn't help stay to help because she had an appointment. Others hurried by.

Then, I went to the chiro. He used paper towels when touching me because I was so wet.

3. Stopped a bootlegger: A woman was trying to sell bootleg DVDs within the grounds of my place of employment. I tried to chase her away. Then, I called security on her. Normally, I would've been like, eh, fuck it. But, my job wouldn't be too happy if I allowed someone to do something illegal in the park. Crisis averted!

4. Called 911 for a dazed and confused man: A man was staggering around the Upper East Side asking people to call 911 for him. Like good New Yorkers, everyone ignored the frantic man clearly calling for help. I called 911. Because, seriously, he could've been dying.

No idea what happened because, like a good New Yorker, I left immediately after the authorities arrived. I didn't want any additional responsibility.

5. Attempted to save pigeons: Next to my building is a church. A House of Worship, if you will. This church worships the slaughter of pigeons.

In order to protect its statuary, the church had placed netting along the side of the building that nearly abuts my own apartment building. Unfortunately, this inexpertly placed netting captured pigeons within its ropey claws and strangled them to death. In fact, at least one pigeon was hanging from the netting, dead.

Momma pigeon had some baby pigeons, and it looked like she couldn't escape. A couple of days later, she was clearly unable to move to feed her young.

Animal control to the rescue! Nope. They don't care about pigeons. ASPCA to the rescue! Nope, they didn't care about pigeons either.

PETA? Yes. PETA cares about everything, and they attempted to contact negotiate the release of the pigeons with the preacher-man. When the preacher-man was hostile, they pressured the ASPCA to take action.

The result? Pigeons are still dying. I'll have to follow up on this one. Sounds like I failed.

Stay tuned for other tales of dashing and bravery including calling 911 on a man sleeping in a bed of pigeon poo, assisted in saving a feline, house-cat creature and halting the illegal sale of water!